TOP SECRET

Congratulations, Agent

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If you’re reading this, you have successfully uncovered a classified A.L.F. message. Either your powers of observation are exceptional, you clicked on me by accident, or the ducks have already followed you here. For security purposes, I’m going to assume the first one.

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I’m Conkers, founder, chief investigator, head of intelligence, senior field operative, snack coordinator, and currently the only confirmed member of A.L.F. (Acorn Liberation Front). For months, I have been investigating what everyone else insists is nothing more than a harmless collection of cheerful rubber ducks. After extensive surveillance, careful analysis, and several nights staring suspiciously through binoculars, I have reached only one possible conclusion:

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They are attempting

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Total World Duckination!!!

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Think about it. Ducks don’t drive. They don’t buy airline tickets. They don’t have bank accounts, smartphones, or even opposable thumbs. Yet somehow they keep appearing in new cities, new states, and even new countries. How?

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Humans

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You people are transporting them yourselves! You photograph them, give them names, build webpages for them, scan their little QR codes, and happily carry them from one location to another. You call it “fun.” I call it the largest unpaid duck transportation network in history.

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That is why I established the A.L.F. Duckveillance Map. Those little pins are not decorations. Every one represents a confirmed report of suspicious duck activity. One pin could be coincidence. A few pins could be unfortunate circumstances. But ducks popping up all over the map while everyone keeps insisting they’re “adorable”?

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WAKE UP, PEOPLE

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And have you noticed that they’re always smiling? Every single one of them. Nobody is that happy without an agenda. Today they’re sitting harmlessly on dashboards. Tomorrow they could control the ponds, infiltrate world governments, or—Bob help us all—seize control of the international bread supply.

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THE BREAD SUPPLY, AGENT

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So remain vigilant. Watch the map. Question suspicious beaking. Never underestimate anything just because it squeaks when squeezed. If you encounter one of these operatives, photograph it, scan its QR code, leave a report, and send it onward so I can continue tracking its movements.

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Wait!!

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Send it onward?

Oh, son of a—

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THAT’S EXACTLY HOW THEY KEEP SPREADING!!!

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Forget I said anything.

This message never existed. If anybody asks, you were reading recipes.

Recipes written by squirrels.

Not recipes for squirrels.

That distinction is extremely important.

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— Conkers
A.L.F. Founder, Chief Investigator & Defender of the Non-Duck World
 

QUESTION EVERYTHING

 Every pin is evidence. 🐿️🕵️‍♂️📍🦆